I used to think I was pretty much just a regular person, but I was born white, into a two-parent household which now, whether I like it or not, makes me privileged, a racist, and responsible for slavery.

I am a fiscal and moral conservative, which by today’s standards, makes me a fascist because I plan, budget, and support myself.

I went to Private School and have always held a job. But I now find out that I am not here because I earned it, but because I was “advantaged”.

I am heterosexual, which according to gay folks, now makes me a homophobe.

I am not a Muslim, which now labels me as an infidel

I am older than 70, making me a useless dinosaur who doesn’t understand Facebook, Instagram, Twitter, or Snapchat.

I think, and I reason, and I doubt most of what the ‘mainstream’ media tells me, which makes me a Right-wing conspiracy nut

I am proud of my heritage and our inclusive culture, making me a xenophobe.

I believe in hard work, fair play, and fair reward according to each individual’s merits, which today makes me an anti-socialist.

I believe our system guarantees freedom of effort – not freedom of outcome or subsidies which must make me a borderline sociopath.

I believe in the defense and protection of my nation for and by all citizens, now making me a militant.

I am proud of our flag, what it stands for, and the many who died to let it fly, so I stand during our National Anthem – so I must be a radical.

Please help me come to terms with the new me because I’m just not sure who I am anymore!

Funny – it all took place over the last decade!

If all this nonsense wasn’t enough to deal with, now I don’t even know which toilet to use.. and these days I gotta go more frequently!

An Italian, a Frenchman and an Aussie were talking about screams of passion..The Italian said: 
“Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with the finest extra virginolive oil, then we made passionate love and I made her scream, non stop for five minutes.”
The Frenchman said: 
“Last night I massaged my wife all over her body with special 
aphrodisiac oil from Provence and then we made passionate love. I made her scream for fifteen minutes straight.” 

The Aussie said: 
That’s nothing!  Last night I massaged my wife ,y’know, all over her body with a special butter. I caressed her entire body with the butter, and then made love and I made her scream for two long hours.” 

The Italian and Frenchman, astonished, asked, “Two full hours? ……Wow! That’s phenomenal.  How did you do it to make her scream for two hours?”The Aussie replied ,
“I wiped my hands on the curtains.”